Thanks goodness for Fair Use. Read the whole thing. It is just delicious. The writing is just a rank and turgid as the original.
This sentence for instance, which could serve as a possible Bulwer-Lytton entry,:
In a late-night appearance in the East Room of the Imperial Palace, Lord Vader declared that “justice has been done” as he disclosed that agents of the Imperial Army and stormtroopers of the 501st Legion had finally cornered Kenobi, one of the leaders of the Jedi rebellion, who had eluded the Empire for nearly two decades.
Just try to diagram that sentence.
And it is followed by this Hemingwayesque one:
Imperial officials said Kenobi resisted and was cut down by Lord Vader’s own lightsaber.
It’s actually more like they just took a NYT article and simply did a search and replace.
But the comments are where the real effort is. There are the “where’s the body conspiracy people.” The cry to bring home the stormtrooper’s from the Outer Rim. The old stuff about Vader’s birth certificate and who his father really was. Complaints about the new paywall. Vader taking all the credit instead of it going rightly to Palpatine. Why hasn’t Vader lowered the price to fill up a landspeeder.
And I really think the comments are some added by real people. I might give them a try.